Ballet Culture and COVID-19 (Random Thoughts With Olivia)

Hi. Hello. Hehe… How are you doing? (I feel like that question is always accompanied by an awkward laugh these days). I hope you are all safe and healthy, reading this post from the comfort of your homes.

Like many of you, these times have left me a little lost and confused. I was just blasting through my second semester of my freshman year of college and quite feeling quite proud of my progress, both mentally and physically. I was preparing for shows. I was getting ready to celebrate the end of my first year of college and move into an awesome apartment with some new-found friends. Now, all of a sudden, I’m at home, performances cancelled, trying desperately to figure out a routine as I attempt to participate in a ballet major online, with no idea when I’ll be able to return to Utah again. I recognize that I am actually in an ideal position compared to many people around the world right now, but the change in circumstances still came as quite a shock.

For as long as I can remember, my life has always been centered around the next project or performance, with school and other hobbies juggled into my free time. This crisis has caused dancers all over the world grief and anxiety when this purpose and drive suddenly disappeared overnight. I think it is safe to say that the situation has left the luckiest among us confused and discombobulated at the very least.

However, as I am sure most of you know, dancers, directors, and educators have been lightning-fast in figuring out what a new normal could look like in these tumultuous circumstances. Dancing in our homes and sharing our classes and conditioning routines via social media networks have been integral in connecting us and keeping our art form alive. It is so cool to see the world come together like this, and the resources are endless.

That being said, I want to take a moment to put my own two cents into this conversation. This time alone has allowed my to reflect on many things, and I want to try and put some of these ideas into words. I feel like I am trying to mesh like twenty trains of thought into one blog post so sorry if this is ends up like some sort of freak accident, but that’s what you signed up for when you started reading this blog, so here we go!

I think that the fact that the dance community is now entirely online really puts a lot of its flaws into perspective. I feel like the way dancers are feeling and reacting to this crisis is extremely telling of the culture that has been ingrained in us. In my own self-reflection, I’ve noticed three dance culture-related issues that have been particularly challenging for me at this time: poor body image, negative self-comparison, and a warped sense of identity. Obviously, I’ve been aware that these problems have been around for a long time, and I’ve written many of them before, but COVID-19 has brought them to a whole new light and allowed them to really manifest themselves in my thoughts and reactions. I can only speak for myself, and I’m definitely not a therapist, but I just wanted to provide you with my take on these issues and the ways that I am coping with them at this time. I am strongly of the belief that we will be able to find health and healing through these struggles, and I can sincerely say that I am excited to see how we will have changed for the better once this is over.

Body Image

My heart hurts for the dancers out there facing serious challenges regarding their body image and physical appearance. I feel your pain right now. There have been times in my life where I felt like I needed to “earn” my food through exercise. There have been times in my life where I kept track of every calorie burned in relationship to every calorie consumed. There have been times in my life where it seemed like the only things that truly got my full attention were dance, the food I ate, and the way my body looked. I can only imagine what it would have been like to have been interrupted like this during those times, unable to go to the studio or have full control over everything I was consuming.

Even now, I would be completely lying if I said that I don’t have multiple anxious thoughts about my body and the affect that this quarantine will have on it cross my mind on a day-to-day basis.

I’ve written before about how disordered the dance community is in terms of its views on body type and body image, but the initial adverse reaction I had to this break only consolidates this belief for me. Is having a chance to live a bit more like a “normal person” (aka not 4+ hours of physical exertion per day) really a reason to be stressed? Is having the chance to replenish the calories I was constantly burning off whenever I feel my body wants/needs them really a cause to be alarmed or anxious? I knew that the culture was disordered, but I didn’t quite realize how disordered it actually was compared to the (already f*cked up) culture of “normal” humans surrounding food and the idealization of thinness.

I am not a physician, psychologist, or nutritionist, so don’t take my advice as the only truth – if you think you are having serious issues with food or body image I would reach out to a professional for advice (NEDA has a lot of excellent opportunities to connect virtually with professionals on their website). However, I will share with you the ways that I am approaching this break that have allowed me to achieve a sense of peace and calm surrounding my body and the circumstances.

This is the time to change the limiting beliefs that you have around yourself and your body. Often times, being cooped up in the studio with peers and teachers who may have thoughts about food and body image that are even more disordered than yours can have a lot of influence on how you think and feel. However, for the foreseeable future, that is not the normal anymore. Instead of trying to grasp for that normal and getting stuck in a cycle of stress because of it, this is now your chance to break free. You don’t have the judgement (or imagined judgement) of those superiors or peers anymore, so you don’t have to worry about being in “top shape” (however you define it). Now you can focus on something different for a change – cultivating confidence and love for yourself just the way you are. Easier said than done, I know, but now is the time to do it – you’ve been given a chance to step away from the mirror and away from the influences in your life that may make you feel less-than-ideal, so take it!

Get in tune with your intuition. You don’t have a rigorous schedule anymore, so you can eat intuitively when and how you want to, and experience what that feels like – there may be ups and downs as you adjust to what feels right, but it will work out, I promise (I’m sure that all you readers are at various degrees of freedom with food, but I still struggle with this quite a bit and am extremely out of touch with what my body actually wants). Since there is not a lot of opportunity for external focus, now is the time to turn your focus inward – meditate, journal, get back in touch with the direct affects that outside influences have on your thoughts/emotions, as well as the direct influence that what you eat has on how you feel. Our lives are extremely hectic, so I strongly believe that this quiet time can yield a lot of learning if we let it. Write or talk about it if you can – even writing this blog post for me has been extremely therapeutic, and I am always here to listen if you need it!

You can get back in touch with the true reason why you dance/exercise. I don’t know about you guys, but this break has allowed me to come to the realization that a big part of ballet for me was the exercise aspect of it. Obviously, there are a lot of reasons why I dance (refer to my last blog post if you haven’t read it!) but the physical rigor was something I truly enjoyed. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, but if it comes to the point where dance = compensation for calories consumed, then it can become an issue that this break can cause you to really get in your head about. I definitely think that this was part of the reason I became so stressed – this compensation idea was controlling me much more than I previously knew. I’ve realized that now is the time to really get back in touch with my true reasons that I enjoy this art form. I’m sure that you are all taking barre in your homes every day, so I would encourage you to dance, not because you hate your body and want to change it, but because you love your body and want to feel good in it doing something that you sincerely enjoy. I strongly believe that this mindset shift is everything, and it will allow you to come out of this far more passionate than you ever were before.

Self-Comparison

Self-comparison is another huge issue in dance that is extremely hard to avoid. It happens physically in the studio, when dancers strive for attention, corrections and roles. It is an inherent part of engaging in this art form, and we must learn how to handle it, even though it often escalates to an extent beyond the normal range of “healthy competition”. Studios are closed, but this culture of self-comparison is far from being gone – instead, I am seeing it manifest itself in a new (well, not really but you know what I mean) format: social media.

Social media is great for connecting us, but it can also be extremely damaging. There is a fine line between inspiring and hurtful and it is a very delicate balance to navigate. As dancers, we are conditioned to always be in go-go-go-mode – working our hardest, going full out, giving everything 100%. Now that we are unable to do this in class and performance, we have turned to the internet to showcase our ways of coping (at least, the ways we feel proud of showing off). Every time I scroll, I can see exactly what everyone is doing, and how they are doing it. I am peering into everyone’s regimens and routines more often and in more detail than I have ever done before in my life. And the result has been difficult to handle.

Looking at what everyone else is doing, I begin to wonder if I am doing enough. Should I be doing more cardio? How many classes are they doing a day? How many hours are they training? Why are there so many live streams? Am I taking from the right teachers? Doing the right cross training? It is easy to get overwhelmed in this world of virtual dance where so much yet so little is at our fingertips.

Now is your time to confront your relationship with social media. It’s not new knowledge that social media is damaging to our mental health. However, I’m guessing that for most of us it used to be secondary to our in-person experiences, while now it encompasses most of our community connection. I think that it is a better time than ever to really get in touch with the direct affects this platform can have on our health. For example, during the day, I’ve been trying to delete instagram so that I can focus on my plan for the day. I will download it for about 20 minutes after dinner so that I can investigate opportunities/classes for the next day that I may want to be a part of, but I try not to linger too much on everyone’s exessive quarantine documentation. Although I must admit that some days have been more successful in this endeavor than others, it has been working pretty well for me overall. Other strategies for controlling your social media use include filtering who/what you follow and being a positive light by only posting/supporting content you deem to be constructive and healthy. I think that I will adopt these practices in my every day life once this is over because of the changes I have felt.

Reevaluate the rat-race. Part of why I think switching most of our dance participation online is such a problem in terms of self-comparison is that social media encourages a type of ego-driven competition that is not always so prevalent in real life. Videos and pictures of dancers engaging in their at-home regimens can just as equally come from a place of community and inspiration as they can come from a place of wanting to “prove something” – whether it be motivation, commitment, self-regulation, etc. Although I’m not saying that these people or actions are inherently wrong, I would encourage you to take a moment to recognize this, as well as a moment to recognize how alarmingly easy it is for this “rat-race” to escalate to an unhealthy level. The more people post and the more extreme they are in their regimens and philosophies, the more intense the race becomes to catch up. It is what has happened in the world of “fitspiration” posts that has caused much of the community to put the advice of health professionals to the wayside, so I am hoping that it is not what will happen here. However, regardless, recognizing it and reevaluating it is the first step in maintaining your own mental health and self-confidence in this crazy time.

Identity

This one is a big toughie. As I mentioned before, I always lived until the next performance, and this loss of focus and structure has kind of led me to a loss of purpose. I’d always heard the warnings – don’t let the word “dancer” be the only thing that defines you, try to have a more balanced life – but those warnings were always just that – warnings. It’s very difficult to devote time to cultivating other aspects of your identity when the thing you love seems to consume your entire existence – from the food you eat to the clothes you wear to the way you spend your day. And when you’re so deep in it and you love it so much, it rarely crosses your mind that it can disappear just like that – especially so suddenly.

Again, COVID-19 has really reminded me how dangerously consuming dance really is. It’s art, but it’s unique in that YOU are the art and YOUR BODY is the mode of making art, which I feel makes it very easy for it to seep into every aspect of your existence. Dance culture does an excellent job of promoting this idea too, emphasizing the passion and commitment of “bunheads” who seem to “eat, sleep, and breathe ballet”. Furthermore, as I mentioned in my “Why I Love to Dance” post, the camaraderie, adrenaline, and satisfaction of performing is pleasurable, validating, and addicting. Without a performance in the near future, it is very easy to lose sight of who you are and what you are working towards.

Redefine your boundaries. Sometimes the all-consuming culture of ballet can trap you in a pigeon-hole, with a very self-centered and close-minded view of your existence. Although this is not always a bad thing if you are in love with making your dreams reality, now is NOT the time to be in that mindset – it will only make you crazy! Instead, I believe that it is the perfect opportunity to expand and change the way you reside in this life. You can reflect on what you actually love and why you love it. You can discover other passions that give you drive. You can spend more time catching up on pop culture and being a “real” human (Am I the only one who has trouble with this? I’m probably the only one who has trouble with this… if so please disregard). Most importantly of all, you can learn to trust yourself and value you for YOU again, not just for your abilities as a dancer, but for your nature as a human. It will take time, and it is far easier said than done, but this is my goal and I am so excited to pursue it.

All you need is love. More than ever, this experience has taught me what I really value in life. It’s really made me realize that nothing in this material existence that you tie yourself to is permanent. Nothing, that is, except the love, care, and respect that we have both for ourselves and for one another. Not to sound cheesy, but I legitimately believe that this time apart will pull us closer than we ever were before. Moving forward, I want to cultivate this love and these relationships and place them on a much higher pedestal in life than dance ever was – because that is what truly what matters.

There’s no way I can fully comprehend what each and every one of you is going through right now, but I hope this blog post gave you a little boost in the right direction. I strongly believe that this break will give us all a chance to recognize what is less-than ideal about our community, mend from what has damaged us, connect to our reason “why”, and fall head-over-heels in love with our art form all over again. It’s true, we’re all a little f*cked up, but we are also beautiful, determined, resilient, and proud, and I feel blessed to be able to call myself a “dancer”. All my faith, all my support, and all my love: We can do this.

Xoxo,

Olivia

Resources that have helped me:

My research on self-love and intuitive eating for my body image class: